6 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship
Everyone loves to talk about how catty women are, but female friendships are actually one of the most beautiful, inspiring, empowering relationships a person can have. If your friendship doesn’t make you smile and see rainbows, you might be in a toxic friendship. Below, I’ve listed some of the red flags of a toxic friendship (note: I’m sticking to friendships only because that’s what I’ve had experience in). That being said, if you recognize your romantic relationship in the following, you might want to take a step back and a hard look at that partnership. But again, this is geared toward friendships, mainly female, if you can’t tell after reading the first couple points.
1. Your conversation is one-sided.
It feels like every time you talk to each other, the conversation is about them and their life. It may drift to your problems for five minutes, but generally, they'll switch it back to themselves and their issues with a “Oh! Sorry, real quick, that reminded me,” but you never get back to what you wanted to discuss. You instead spend most of your time solving their problems, boosting their confidence and bitching about people who’ve done them dirty (even though you’ve never met said people).
Why it’s bad: This is exhausting. You’re spending all your mental energy trying to help your friend, which is a part of a good friendship, BUT, it should be a give and take. If you’re the only one giving, it’s completely draining and you have no energy left to deal with your own problems. Plus, if you don’t even get to join in the conversation and talk about your stressors or worries, they just sit there and weigh on you until *tick tick tick BOOM.* Not suggested.
2. They try to one-up you.
You’re excited about a concert you’re going to this weekend with other friends and you’re telling them about the band. They cut you off to let you know they knew about said band before they even got big and they got their tickets for another concert of theirs months ago. Ok…good talk. Excitement dampened, conversation over. But here’s what it comes down to, jealousy. Whether it’s underlying or obvious, they’re jealous and they feel the need to show you how much better you are. It’s that same ol’ middle school bullshit—tearing someone down to try and bring yourself up.
Why it’s bad: They are literally trying to pull you down by making you feel less than. Your friends should be your support system, helping you grow and be the amazing, beautiful soul you were meant to be. Having someone close to you constantly dragging you down is extremely detrimental to your self-esteem and confidence. This is supposed to be the one person you can turn to when low who will help you feel better. If they’re the one making you feel shitty, then where do you go for comfort?
3. You feel like you can't tell them good news.
You feel awkward talking about the exciting things going on in your life that are making you happy because you're afraid of their reaction or hurting their feelings. For instance, you’re pumped because your boss told you the idea you pitched at a meeting has been approved or swooning over last night when your partner surprised you by making your favorite meal from scratch. You want to babble on and on about every ridiculously tiny detail, but you find yourself holding back. Whether it’s from something that happened the last time you talked to them or just a gut feeling, you stop and either don’t tell them at all or give them the bare minimum. The reaction is never what you hoped for anyway.
Why it’s bad: If you can’t tell your friend, did it even happen? Yeah, yeah, of course it did, but a big part of having a wonderful event happen is getting to rehash every glorious minutia with your friends. It’s like the original joy multiplies with each retelling. That’s why people love talking (and posting) about their engagement. So what happens if you can’t tell them? Well, from my experience, you start feeling guilty about being happy and that’s not good for anyone around you. You should be happy you’re happy, never feel bad about it!
4. They’ll criticize you subtly or even overtly.
Obviously the outright criticism is easy to catch, though hard to deal with. A straight up rude comment from a friend is always unnerving. The backhanded compliments or indirect jabs, however, can be tricky to catch. Particularly if it’s coming from a close friend. For instance, they’ll talk about how cheesy country music is and how it’s hilarious people love it, never once bringing you up in relation to the subject, but, all the while, fully aware you like to crank up the Kane Brown and roll down the windows while driving on a particularly beautiful day.
Why it’s bad: I feel like this is pretty obvious. One of your closest relationships is making you feel like shit, whether it’s about something you like or you yourself. This is, again, all about your self-esteem. If one of your friends is trying to make you feel bad or embarrassed because of something you're into, eventually it's going to seep into the delight you feel about said love, whether it’s because of what they’re saying or simply because you know this person you care about is trying to make you feel terrible. Everyone has their hobbies and interests, some are loved worldwide, like sports, others are more niche, like anime. You are allowed to get excited about whatever it is that animates you (unless it’s harming animals, then fuck you). I love music, a wiiiiiide variety of genres, and I am unapologetically open about that. But I'm in good company here. I also love unicorns. The colors, the shimmer and sparkle, the magic! Am I in my twenties? Damn straight. Is it basic AF for me to be into unicorns right now? Sure. Do I give two shits? That I do not. Be unapologetically you, people! (Side note: No, I don’t actually believe in magic 🙃)
5. Most, or maybe even all, of your conversations are negative.
This one goes hand in hand with point #1. I don’t mean you’re negative about each other. In fact, you’re probably being super encouraging and positive around your friend. But...they never take it in. They complain about how in debt they are, you commiserate (in fact, you’re even worse off, but you’ve never gotten to talk about...eh, see where I’m going here?), but then you try to turn it around and remind them they’re doing a lot better about curbing any unnecessary shopping and, remember? They paid all their bills a couple days early last month! That’s awesome! Well, any sci-fi fans here? ‘Cause I’m about to nerd out a teensy bit on y’all. Imagine your friend slams down a forcefield and all your little positive word fighter ships are trying to break it down to save the planet behind said forcefield, before the negativity fog kills it from the inside. Spoiler alert: you don’t save it. Instead, it rots in the negativity. So what’s the next step? Well, naturally, that negative energy is all released in a noxious gas, which is then released in a huge, ominous cloud that envelops all your little positivity ships annnd they all die.
Why’s this bad: Did any of that make sense? Basically, as with point #1, being surrounded by that much negativity all the time is, you guessed it, draining. Not to mention, you’re wasting all those good vibes and happy thoughts on someone who will never accept them from you. It’s extremely frustrating because you just want to help, but, if someone doesn’t want your support or advice, eventually you have to leave them to aid themselves. Yes, it’s extremely difficult to do this, but you have to think of your own mental health.
6. They’ll be competitive toward you.
THIS IS THE BIG ONE, Y’ALL. Girl friendships are notoriously competitive, but, guess what? They shouldn't be. Good friendships are simply supportive. You like your friend’s sweatshirt? They’ll share with you where they got it or even the actual sweatshirt. If you compliment your friend and ask where they got such and such, it should not become this weird vague back and forth where they never really answer the question and only make you feel uncomfortable for even daring to ask. You’re friends for a reason, because you have things in common, and if you aren’t able to enjoy those commonalities, what’s the point?
Why it’s bad: Have you ever played competitive sports? Do you remember how tiresome it was playing against all those other teams and holding grudges for years against specific ones? I mean, god, they won the state championship three years ago, let's move on, people. Yeah...do you want that in a friendship? I certainly don’t. As I discussed earlier, friendships should be your support system. True friends share and grow together—you delight in the same things. If your friendship makes you feel like you're on an aggressive game show or have to play 20 questions just to get a basic answer, there's something not right. It's also incredibly immature. We're all semi-functioning adults now, we should act it. There's no reason to harken back to the days of middle school and get pissed off if your friend gets the same color of sparkly Limited Too cami as you. Twinning is fun, guys!
Mind you, all of these are exceptionally passive-aggressive. But that’s why I’m talking about them—because maybe you’ve been debating if they’re serious enough reasons to end a long friendship like I was. Well, let me tell it to you straight up, they probably are. There's no reason to waste precious time on people and relationships who don't make you happy or, even worse, just make you feel bad. If you were able to say yes to a few of these, it’s probably worth having a discussion with your friend. But if you checked off most or all of them? Time to end that dumpster fire of a friendship, my dear. Trust me, it sounds horrible, but you, consciously or not, have so much stress attached to this friendship, it’s not healthy for you mentally, physically (seriously, stress is not good for that bod) and *ding ding ding* emotionally.
Friendships are the family we choose, so why choose one that makes you feel terrible? Just like I believe there’s one romantic partner out there for everyone, I also believe there’s at least one person out there who will give you the close platonic relationship you need. Go find your squad, babes. And if you’ve already found them, nurture those relationships and hold them tight.
