Modern Romance
Rating: 4/5
First time read
I actually really liked this book. It gave a lot of information, and I mean, A LOT, in easily digestible pieces. It was a quick read and I feel more knowledgeable for reading it. It’s definitely given me a lot to ponder over. I did appreciate that it wasn’t all about online dating or dating apps, because I’ve never done either and, while I found those sections really interesting, it was nice to have other sections that I could empathize more with.
I have to mention, I’ve wanted to read this book since it came out. After this whole sexual misconduct scandal came out, my friend sent a photo of her bookshelf and I saw this book. I thought it would be particularly interesting at this time.
Unsurprisingly, Ansari came off as a really chill and modern (some might say “woke,” but I refuse) dude. There was really only one part in the whole book where I was reminded of his recent bad press. In one section, he jokingly uses a fake example where a guy gets a date after yelling at a girl to “come back here with that fine butt” and how about they go to a concert. In this scenario, the girl was “flattered by the attention” and “would quickly oblige.” ...I honestly couldn’t decide if he was joking about the whole thing, or just the very specific details used in the actual analogy. Either way, I was a little grossed out. Later he discusses how Buenos Aires has a catcalling problem and he seemed to get it then, but that one part just rubbed me the wrong way. Soo, basically there’s not much to discuss on that touchy subject, I just wanted to acknowledge it.
There was a chapter on the romantic expectations in different societies across the globe. And, wow, Tokyo was just really sad. There I would think it would be so lonely as a twenty or thirty something there. And god, the “herbivore men?” They sound so obnoxious and frustrating to deal with, no wonder they’re not going on any dates. And Soapland? Overall, it was just a very depressing section. Then, Buenos Aires didn’t sound that great either, on the extreme opposite end of the spectrum. Men are aggressive, women are constantly harassed. The “no means yes” mindset here is even worse than in the US, although, for good reason historically, unfortunately.
I loved the ideas that you should use online dating as an online “introduction.” Do the real dating in person. Even with a lack of experience online, I can still speak to the utter monotony of back and forth texts/messages that go nowhere. Even if you really liked the other person, if there’s no in person interaction, eventually, you just don’t care anymore. So, in the book, they suggest you feel a person out with a few back and forths, over a couple days, then just go for the date if you haven’t found anything truly wrong or scary about the other person. It’s such a good point because how else do you honestly get to know someone?
Other parts that stuck with me: passionate love vs. companionate love and human’s ability, or lack thereof, to be monogamous for life. The cheating stats for American couples, not married, but committed, blew my mind. The married stat didn’t... It’s a little crazy to think that we may very well be somewhat wired to not be faithful. As for the aforementioned passionate vs. companionate, that actually made me feel pretty good about my future. It was calming, I suppose.
All in all, there was so much information in this book and I found it incredibly interesting. There’s just so much I could talk about, and luckily for my boyfriend, we live in the same home where so many conversations can be had ;) I highly recommend this book to anyone even slightly interested in love and relationships in our era. A lot of it may not surprise you, but the reasoning or history behind it all will pique your curiosity. That made it worth it for me.
