Your Newest Guilty Pleasure: Floribama Shore

2019 Update:

I hate-watch this show now on occasion lol. I hate every person on it except Candace and generally Kirk, when he’s sober. Other than that, everyone fucking suuuuuucks.

"The CABS ah heah!"

"Gym. Tan. Laundry."

These phrases are immediately reminiscent of my college years. My roommates and I would gather on one of our beds to watch Snooki, JWoww and Sammi Sweetheart get ready for a night out at Karma, before starting our own grooming rituals, hoping to entice one of the hundreds of frat boys on campus. Fast forward seven years and I'm sitting on my couch in my oldest sweats and a baggy tee, with my newest roommate, my boyfriend, beside me, tuning in to the remake MTV is hoping will be as big a hit as its guido forefather. And I'm thinking their prayers may come true.

Floribama Shore is a guilty pleasure if there ever was one. When I watched Jersey Shore, all the "cast members" seemed older than me, knowledgeable of things I had yet to really discover, and maybe never wanted to. The drama was entertaining, as with every (generally) reality show, but I also was getting a glimpse of that yet-to-be seen arena that was the nightclub. And really legal drinking, in general. Then there were the hookups, and the breakups, and the makeups. All padded with the sweet friendships the people in this house grew to enjoy and revel in, for years to come (Hi, Snooki & Jwoww). But gone are the meatballs and the hair pulling (just kidding) and the duck phone. Instead, we welcome a new beach, new drama, and a gator phone (not kidding).

Now, I feel much older, wiser and waaaaay more responsible than the housemates. Hey, I'm watching this with my long-term partner, in our shared home, with food I had delivered with my own money! I've come a long way, people. In the first episode, we meet Aimee, the down-home, literally doesn't wear shoes, Alabama girl; Candace, the astute, down-to-earth voice of reason; the collar-popping Codi (yes, with an i), a "true Southern gentleman;" Gus, the cheesy "hottie" (doesn't do it for me) whose charm is always on, just as his hair is always UP; Jeremiah, the homeschooled, douchey playboy, yep, you read that right; Kirk, the loyal, family-guy, and possibly the only dude who doesn't love drama as much as the girls; Kortni (they love the i), the kraaazy, newly 21-year-old who's never seen a crop top she hasn't loved, and then promptly removed; and, finally, Nilsa, the 23-year-old divorcée and total attention seeker.

I'm not going to tell you what happens, but let's just say, there are two first dates, a peed-on bed, a nauseating pedicure, many confused pizza places, and lots and lots of screaming and drinking. Because naturally. You come to laugh at the antics, you stay to laugh at the drama and the drunk tears. It's not mean, they'll be laughing in a few months too.

So come along for the ride, friends! I promise, you'll feel better on the other side.

Floribama Shore airs Mondays at 10 EST.